


i dont understand what i did wrong

by shxdes



Category: No Fandom, Original Work
Genre: Doubt, Other, Really dont, Ugh, and its a vent fic, apologetic piece of, i just feel rly sad and lonely rn, i mean i would go out and write it up on some other site but idk, im not sure what else to tag this, please dont read, self hatred, sorry - Freeform, this is my first ever work on here, vent - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-09
Updated: 2017-04-09
Packaged: 2018-10-16 22:02:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 878
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10580367
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shxdes/pseuds/shxdes
Summary: this is just me venting my feelings outsorry





	

I'm so sorry.

 

I know, I know I say that often, I know apologizing so much is a bad habit. But I can't help it, please, please don't leave me for someone else. I know I'm not the definition of "great" or "superior", and I know I'm annoying. I really do. But please, please, please for the love of god don't leave me. I don't want to be alone again. I hate being alone, I hate being lonely too. I get scared when you don't reply to me, I honestly feel like you have better friends and someone else you talk to more than me. ..When will you come back to me? Someone like me? Am I too much of a hassle to you to even help out?

 

What am I to you really? Do I even matter to you? I don't think I do, I never matter now do I? I always fuck things up and ruin everything. I'm sorry you have to deal with such a lowlife piece of shit who can't even process or express their emotions properly. I'm sorry. I only let you down and I know that, I know that so well. I wish one day when I do announce my feelings you won't go off and not care about them. _But no one does._ I'm this stupid to just find that out and anytime I think of you, I get happy, you make me happy and when I feel that I don't belong with you anymore... Or you stop talking to me, I don't know what I did wrong. I'm so scared that I did something so horrible that you decide to stop.

 

Maybe I should too? Just stop everything. Because I do not belong anywhere. I'm always the last choice, people never enjoy speaking to me. I'm just a horrible human being. I'm so fucking sorry. You don't need someone who can't give out their own emotions without feeling like no one gives a shit. I don't know what I did wrong, I don't know when I thought talking about myself made it any less different and unworthy. It's quite funny actually, I thought talking to people will make me feel less bad about myself, but anytime I do - their looks, _their fucking looks_ make me feel so uncomfortable, and make me feel like a useless piece of shit so much that I shut my mouth. Anytime I talk to someone, it's like I'm not myself because I'm not, I can never be myself around normal people.

 

Without feeling judged to the max. Without feeling their eyes look at me, without feeling like a total nuisance to everyone. Without feeling like if I didn't exist everything will be better. But it's not. It never is. It never will be better because for some stupid fucking reason that I'm "motivational" to people, I say that fucking phrase that doesn't get to my head and carve itself in.

 

" _If you didn't exist, people will be so sad. So heartbroken. If you end your life now, people will start crying. Don't think no one cares about you._ "

 

This never gets to my fucking head, why? Because I never think it's true, I say it to so many people, I tell them they are worthy, I tell them they are amazing and beautiful and just overall the best thing that has ever happened to this world. But me? No. I'm nothing special, I don't deserve people's sympathy, I don't deserve their kindness, I don't deserve friends even. Because all I do is make people worry so much and I don't see why. Why am I someone to worry about!? PLEASE STOP WORRYING FOR SOMEONE LIKE ME.

 

I mean it, don't. I don't deserve anyone's sympathy, I don't deserve the kindness, I don't deserve that look of concern. _I don't deserve anything._ How many times do I need to say that? I'm sorry that I'm not the most perfect, I'm sorry I apologise so much. I'm sorry that I flinch when people seem they are ready to hit me. I'm sorry that I'm so weak and I should be strong for everyone. I should show them that I'm fine and tell them they can do it. I'm sorry that I want to fucking die so much that it's the only thing I crave. I'm sorry I'm not like everyone else who can cry normally, I can't cry. I can't because of that fucking insult a while back. When I try, the insult taunts me.

 

Now I can never do so, without hearing that insult over and over again like it's a broken record. I just want to seem strong for my friends, for everyone. But I can't. I can't do that. Because I'm so weak and feeble. I don't like when people yell, but they do it anyways and I feel even more bad about myself. So I'm sorry I'm not perfect. I'm sorry I'm not good enough. I'm sorry you had to hear/see this. I'm sorry I'm just a waste of space.

 

Just please, promise me you won't leave me, promise me you won't decide to abandon me. Please, I'm scared. I just want to be happy and not feel empty all the time.

**Author's Note:**

> im really sorry you had to read through this  
> I totally would put this on something else  
> but I just feel more comfortable  
> please,, understand that


End file.
